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From the Squawk Sheets

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Problem: "Smoke in cabin."
Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."

Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)."
Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day."

Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."
Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."

Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."
Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed to turn."

Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) wont track on the ground."
Solution: "System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick controller)."

Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."
Solution: "Turn up the volume."

Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeter unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."
Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Target Radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem 1: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution 1: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem 2: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Roaches in galley."
Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"

Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
Solution: "No cat this station."

Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."

Problem :"UHF does not work in OFFicial mode."
Solution: " Found short between the headphones."

Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on."
Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."

Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."

Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."

Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135)
Solution: "Green suit needs to up his weaties intake."

Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"
Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"

Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"
Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"

Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."
Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."

Problem: "Transponder inoperative."
Solution: "Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for!"

Submitted by F-16.net