Life in the Military Humor

In Fighter Pilot Heaven

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In Fighter Pilot Heaven:
  • Everybody's a Captain except God.... He's a Major.
  • You only come to work when you're going to fly....
  • You fly three times a day except Friday.
  • You never run out of gas.
  • The missions are only one hour long and no briefings are ever required.
  • You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
  • It is always VFR and there are never any ATC delays.
  • You can fly out of the area and flight down to 50' AGL is approved.
  • There are no "over G's".
  • You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20', then break left.
  • You can go cross-country anytime you desire. The farther the better!
  • There are no ORI's (Operational Readiness Inspections).
  • There is no SOF (Supervisor of Flying) or mobile tower duty.
  • There are no Friday meetings, but Friday evening "Stag Bar" is mandatory.
  • There are no Flight Surgeons.
  • There are no Wing staff jobs.
  • You don't need a kitchen pass, and the kitchen and bar are always open.
  • "Happy Hour" begins at 1400 hours and lasts til 0200 hours.
  • Supersof is the bartender. The other five are big-bosomed blondes.
  • Beer is free, but whiskey costs five cents.
  • The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels, and Beefeaters.
  • The girls are all friendly and each fighter pilot is allowed three.
  • There are no fat women and the thin ones look like Sophia Loren.
  • Country and Western music is free on the juke box.
  • The craps tables are always HOT and you never lose at blackjack!
  • You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded at the club.
  • The sun always shines and you can put your hat in your leg pocket.
  • Flight suits are allowed in the Officers Club at all times.
  • The motor pool always provides a staff car for visiting fighter pilots.
  • The Base Exchange always has every item you ask for. Most are free.
  • There are never any cross-wind landings and the runways are always dry.
  • Control tower flybys for a wheels UP check can be made at 600 knots.
  • There are never any noise complaints.
  • Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
  • ER's (Efficiency Reports) always contain the statement "Outstanding Officer".
  • Formal functions requiring Class "A" or formal attire never occur.
  • "Ace" status is conferred upon all fighter pilots entering Heaven.
  • There is no Hell.
  • All air traffic controllers are friendly, and always provide priority handling.
  • The airplanes never break.

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