Forum: Off-topic

I thought everyone might enjoy this, so enjoy Beer

!

Warning!
American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed on all varieties of alcohol containers, such as:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties Devil

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not Doh

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard Embarassed

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them In Love

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing Whistle

. ha ha

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning Evil or Very Mad

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with people without spitting Big No No

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people Crazy Pilot

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you LMAO

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy Shocked

.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your @$$ kicked Bang Head

.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alchol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode Drool

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God I hate it when that happens...........

Shev Very Happy

Those are good parrothead, and now I guess I'll have to endulge all of you in this one...

A man was returning home after a long night of hard drinking. His hair was a mess, and his shirt was in particular disarray from puking on himself. His buddy came to his aide though, and shoved a $20 in his shirt pocket. His buddy told him to tell his wife that someone else puked on his shirt, and then gave him the $20 to either get the shirt cleaned, or buy a new shirt if the cleaning didn't work.

By the time he got home, he was even more hammered. He staggered in to see his wife in a none-too-happy mood. She accused him of drinking, and this is what they said to each other.

Husband: "I know what you're thinking, but I'm not drunk."
Wife: Well what is on your shirt?
Husband: A man puked on my shirt.
Wife: What's sticking out of your shirt pocket?
Husband: The man gave me $20 dollars to get my shirt cleaned or buy a new shirt.
Wife: Well, what's this second $20 dollar bill for?
Husband: He $hit in my pants too.

Beers and MiGs were made to be pounded!

TC, that's a good one too

!!!

Quote:

Wife: Well, what's this second $20 dollar bill for?
Husband: He $hit in my pants too.

I can't stop laughing LMAO

!!! I know a few parrotheads who might have had similar exchanges after our anniversary party Wink

. I'm just glad my old boss was so understanding (she helped organize the party for over 600 people) when she found me still sobering up from the previous night at noon the next day on the dock outside her boat Whistle

. Thankfully, parrotheads are a kind and caring bunch of people who will let you stay on their sailboat when you've had a few beers too many on top of a bottle of rum and need a place to stay for the night Very Happy

! Just for the record, I DID NOT puke or anything else - I SWEAR!!!

Boat drinks and Margaritas were made to be pounded!!!
(TC, I hope you don't mind if I borrow this for this post!)

That was actually some very creative paraphrasing. I must admit, however, that my closing line is not a TC original. An Eagle Driver MiG killer I knew had that on his bowling shirt! Very Happy

Great stuff. Plus, Boat Drinks is one of my fav. songs by Jimmy. I think you can actually be executed if you live in a North Florida beach town and you're not a Parrothead! I'm pretty sure there is a law on Florida's books that says that. Laughing

As for my heavy drinking experiences, I've only alcohol puked twice. You feel like crap before you do it, but boy you feel great after it all comes up!

P.S. my countdown to becoming "one of us" is now at 10. I've been a vet too long. Time to become ELITE!

Beers and MiGs were made to be pounded!

TC, that was funny. Great stuff man.

ACSheva

TC, your closing line is yours as far as I'm concerned when it comes to this forum Smile

! Thanks for the complement and it's nice to know that some other people here know more Buffett songs than Margaritaville and Come Monday! Boat Drinks is one of my favorites, too and very appropriate for when it SNOWED here a couple of months ago Shocked

. No, I did NOT shoot six holes in my freezer Laughing

! I'm thinkin' I'll have to switch to "King of Somewhere Hot" in a few months...

I don't think they'd execute you for failing to swear allegiance to the Conch Republic and failure to properly care for your blender, they'd just make you move somewhere cold like Canada Razz

!

You and I are equal on the number of pukers - the first time I learned the hard way not to let someone else mix the drinks and feed you about half a jug of Capt. Morgan (I got keel-hauled by the Cap'n Drool

) and the second time I learned that you shouldn't start the night off with a half a bottle of rum, followed by daqueries, followed by margaritas followed by a half a bottle of red wine, followed by a couple of cans of beer, followed by straight tequila, finally topped off by chugging liquid from a decanter which turns out to be Bacardi 151 Embarassed

. The bad part of that one was that we all quit drinking at around 0200 and I didn't hurl until around 1100 when I woke up the next day and I still felt tipsy when I had to go to work at 1545.

I don't know about you, but I think I've been on the coconut telegraph a time or two for a couple of the items warned against in the original post such as:

Quote:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

Quote:

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard

Quote:

The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them

Quote:

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with people without spitting

Quote:

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you .

Now for all you young'uns - lots of these are unpleasant and some are occasionally dangerous. My stories are meant as warnings and you should learn from my mistakes! I think it would be pretty funny to see all of these warnings actually printed on bottles! One can only imagine the outcome if a fighter jock or maintainer found the "bra and panties" warning on a bottle of Weed Devil

!!!

On the other hand, the night before I had to sober up on the dock was particularly fun out on the dance floor and a few other places Wink

as Parrot Head girls are fun and a bit flirtatious to begin with... Very Happy

PS - TC, keep the posts coming! That "Elite" would look really good above your name, too Very Happy

! You might try adding a post to this thread in order to help me warn the clueless yutes about the dangers of consuming too much alcohol or improperly mixing different types (like beer, wine, tequila, and rum all in one night Bang Head

) . Have fun Smile

!

I dunno, I see some female maintainers and pilots all of the time that I'd definitely like to see wondering what happened to their bra and panties. Granted, there aren't as many females out there as the hard legged variety, but some of the ones I see are like Shocked

HOLY $HIT!!

Let's see...what don't you want to mix kiddos?

I survived the "George Thorogood Special," that's One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer (one PITCHER of Beer). I ended up sleeping at my bud's house that night, and while I survived it, I know that I could drink at least 98% of this website under the table (and that's no Bravo Sierra either!)

I was at a wedding at a beach house once, and we started with beer, and then moved to wine (about a case's worth amongst about 7 of us). Then, we moved to tequila shooters. Finally, I moved back to beer. Oddly, it didn't make me sick, but I did wake up around midnight, went back downstairs and was really hungry. I ended up eating more wedding reception food, and spent the next 3 hours watching a Cheers marathon.

The only two times I've puked alcohol...

Junior year of college, I drank the better part of a keg of Bud Light, including about a 30 second keg stand (not very smart TC, not very smart). I still don't drink BUTT Light to this day.

Second time was over a New Year's a couple years afterward. Beer and Cheap @$$ Champagne. The reason why I ended up drinking so d@mned much was because the lightweights I was with crapped out on me and stiffed me with my very own 12 bottle bucket of beer. Well, TC doesn't like to see The Good Lord's Brew go to waste, so I polished it off myself, and paid the price around 0130 on 1 January.

So, to you youngsters, learn from the mistakes of parrothead and myself. Try to stick with one thing. Don't mix, unless you KNOW you can handle it...and space the drinks out a little over the evening. That tends to help too.

Looks like my countdown is down to 4 now.

Beers and MiGs were made to be pounded!

TC - thanks for confirming I'm not the only one Very Happy

! I may not be a big beer drinker (rum is great!), but I've had a few encounters myself. Four more... Very Happy

!!!

Oh yeah, something else I forgot to mention earlier parrothead, go to www.cobo.org It's the Church of Buffett Orthodox. You can find out anything and everything you ever wanted to know aobut Jimmy, and it has a comprehensive lyrics section.

Other Buffett songs I like...

"Jamaica Mistaka"

"The I-95 @$$hole Song"

"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink..."

"Volcano"

"The @$$ and the Hole" and "It's 5 'O Clock Somehwere" both w/Alan Jackson

and probably my all time fav...

"A Pirate Looks at 40"

Man, there's so many that I like it's hard to name them all. It's kinda like me and The Stones or me and Bruce Springsteen. It's easier to just name the songs I don't care for than to try and list all of my favorites, you know?

Enjoy that site and my countdown is down to 2.

Beers and MiGs were made to be pounded!

On the topic of "coming home drunk" jokes, I have to submit this one... I still believe that jokes are better told than read... but what the hell:

Happily married for 6 months Joe Shmoe tells his wife hes headed out with the guys for the night and his wife, familiar with his drunken hijinks in college and while they were dating, orders him not to drink. He swears he won't, and heads out.

Well after 5 hours at the bar he decides its time to get home. But there is a problem, he is completely wasted and his wife will know immediately that he lied and drank anyway. SO he figures its 1 oclock int he AM and if he walks home, she'll be in bed and he can just sneak in and sleep on the couch and tell her that he didnt want to disturb her...

So he gets up from the bar and promptly falls on his face. Getting home might be a challenge. His buddy picks him and sets him on his feet, only to fall right over again. Slowly he gets to the door, gets outside and falls AGAIN! At this rate, hes NEVER going to get home... So he crawls to the mailbox on the street corner, slowly pulls himself to his feet, again and takes a few steps before falling down. With the help of his friend and many solid objects along the way, he finally gets home, gets to the door and slides his key into the lock... the door swings open and he falls down for at least the 50th time. Black and Blue and ready to toss the 12 beers he'd just had, he crawls into the living room onto the couch and passes out.

The next morning he wakes to find his wife standing over him and she looks mad. She says: "I thought you said that you werent going to drink last night!"

The man says: "Of course I didn't drink last night, honey, i just came in late and thought that..."

She cuts him off, glaring and says: "Don't feed me that, Tony called and said you left your wheelchair down at the bar again."

Beer

~mix

TC, thanks for the tip, but I'm very familiar with all of 'em Wink

. I don't think there's a Buffett album I don't have yet (and I live just a couple of miles from Margaritaville Las Vegas so it's easy to check Smile

). I love it all!

Trailmix, that's a really good one Laughing

! I'll have to put it out on the "Coconut Telegraph" LMAO

!

Please do!

~mix

p.s.-i hit Binion's blackjack up for a grand a few weekends ago... not to mention a comp'd dinner and at least 30 drinks! That place was HOT! Man, I love vegas! Very Happy

~mix, do you mean you had 30 drinks in one night Shocked

??? I think I might have done that before, but I was too drunk to accurately remember Laughing

!

oh yeah at least 30. I mean, I sat there from about 2pm until 3 am... 13 hours at 2~3 DPH (drinks per hour Very Happy

) the math is right, drinking that much in one night probably wasnt...

Forum: Off-topic

Joke: Alcoholic Beverage Warning Labels