Aviation Humor

Civil Aviation Humor



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Transavia 123: Rotterdam tower, Transavia 123, goeiemorgen. ("good morning" in Dutch) Rotterdam tower: Transavia 123, expect indefinite delay due to heavy traffic. Transavia 123: Cancel goeiemorgen.
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings. Join our frequent near-miss program. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off! Complimentary champagne in free-fall....
10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares. 9. In between 'May I' and 'have your attention' there's a 45 minute pause.< 8. He's constantly yelling, 'Take that, Red Baron!'...
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you...
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for...
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What...
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center,we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it...
This was a story that my I.P. told me a few years ago about what his friend, who was a private pilot, did when he was in the main ramp after having received taxi and takeoff instructions from the...
The 3 quotes used the most by pilots: 1. Why is it doing that? 2. Where are we? 3. Holy sh*t!
A pilot has engine trouble and lands in a field. As he walks around the plane to check out the problem, he hears a voice behind him say, "You have a clogged fuel line." Looking around, he sees no...
Three old pilots walking on the ramp. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway [while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee....
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead...
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer...
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What,...
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are...
""Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?""
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. Tower:...
Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this...
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that...
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at...
I am afraid that I have to blame Alice Dunsmuir for this one. She was the occasional secretary and booking agent for Fat Moose. One passenger was very worried about getting on an airplane that...
*Many* commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach toO'Hare Int'l, ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and some planes are already 1-2 hours late. The WX is good, it's just that there...
Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally...
My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude." N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!" ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed." N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!" ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR." N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots...
My favorite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think upzingers at home and use 'em at some convenient moment. Anyway, he's...
Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid...
The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this; Tower: 95 Delta, do you read the tower? 95D: 675, sir Tower: 95 Delta, Say...
Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at Namao. A bit of background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft...
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway." Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.) Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND" Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.) Tower:...

WTF

RBL UA /OV RBL- RDD 360030/TM 1950/FLOTP/TP HXB/SK 018 OVC 115/RM SOLIDUNDERCAST N RDD/UNVFR. "DECIDED I`M TOO YOUNG TO GO OTP THIS" N BND TO SIY
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!" Cessna: "Uh...tower,...
Oh controller, who sits in tower Hallowed be thy sector. Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done, On the ground as they are in the air. Give us this day our radar vectors, And forgive us...
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.
Did you hear about the duck who flew upside down? He quacked up.
""Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch.""
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country. Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?" Student pulls out a...
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings. Puzzled, the...
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've...
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing-collapses...
What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Having completed my first solo on Bulldogs, I taxied back to ATC to pick up my instructor, as he was watching me from the tower. ATC: Uniform 45, can you confirm that you are behind the tower?...
My instructor on my first lesson, Instructor: Now watch careful... stick backward *pulls stick back* trees get smaller see? Now... stick forward... *pushes stick forward* trees get bigger... and...
This was overheard on the RAF Woodvale Approach frequency last summer, when a student was doing practice emergencies... Student: MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY, Uniform Alpha 2 Uh.. *Silence* Sorry......
A guy takes a fellow pilot flying in his sea plane, and they decide to do a few approaches at the friend's airfield. At the last moment before touchdown the owner says, "NOOOO, Go around, we've...
Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting!" Pilot: "Not if I do it right."
Parachutists are good to the last drop (Seen on a bumper sticker from a parachute school)
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches colour of sky, FLY!'" - Gordon Baxter -