Military Aviation Humor

From the Squawk Sheets

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  • Problem: "Smoke in cabin."
  • Solution: "Aircrew reminded fleet is no-smoking these days."

  • Problem: "Bad smell in cockpit (B-747)."
  • Solution: "Advice crew to wash every day."

  • Problem: "Missile slow to leave rail."
  • Solution: "Use a real missile. Missile is a Cap9 (captive trainer)."

  • Problem: "IFF Knob binding, hard to turn."
  • Solution: "IFF 'push to turn' knob works correctly when pushed to turn."

  • Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) wont track on the ground."
  • Solution: "System fully operational, flightsuit insert inop (side stick controller)."

  • Problem: "Missile (AIM-9) tone very weak, almost inaudible."
  • Solution: "Turn up the volume."

  • Problem: "Rear cockpit HUD repeter unviewable, looked like squiggly porn."
  • Solution: "HBO ordered MICAP zero Ballance."

  • Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
  • Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

  • Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
  • Solution: "Evidence removed."

  • Problem: "Target Radar hums."
  • Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."

  • Problem: "Number three engine missing."
  • Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

  • Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
  • Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

  • Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
  • Solution: "Live bugs on order."

  • Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
  • Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

  • Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."
  • Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"

  • Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
  • Solution: "That's what they're there for."

  • Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
  • Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

  • Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
  • Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

  • Problem 1: "No. 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
  • Solution 1: "No. 2 Propeller seepage normal."
  • Problem 2: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."

  • Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
  • Solution: "IT DOES NOW."

  • Problem: "Roaches in galley."
  • Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"

  • Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
  • Solution: "No cat this station."

  • Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."
  • Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."

  • Problem :"UHF does not work in OFFicial mode."
  • Solution: " Found short between the headphones."

  • Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on."
  • Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."

  • Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
  • Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."

  • Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
  • Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."

  • Problem: "Crew door hard to close." (on a KC-135)
  • Solution: "Green suit needs to up his weaties intake."

  • Problem: "No. 3 engine knocks at idle"
  • Solution: "No. 3 engine let in for a few beers"

  • Problem: "Funny smell in cockpit"
  • Solution: "Pilot told to change cologne"

  • Problem: "The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn."
  • Solution: "Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn."

  • Problem: "Transponder inoperative."
  • Solution: "Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode."

  • Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
  • Solution: "That's what they're there for!"

Submitted by F-16.net